"To live in this world you must be able to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go."

Yesterday there was a mass exodus of Kikuyu Kenyans, two Mexican guys and me, the unwilling representative of America, to Nyeri.  The landscape really changed, became greener and more hilly as we drew closer to the Mt. Kenya area.  I reminisced about Rwanda and with a tug at my chest swore to myself (for the 10 millionth time) that I will visit the Land of A Thousand Hills again.  We passed some waterfalls and large rock outcroppings and all wished that we could see Mt. Kenya through the wall of clouds.

When we arrived, Eliza showed me where she went to primary school back before the roads were paved.  The air smelled wet and incredibly clean.  We were surrounded by magnificent trees that had no doubt been planted due to the motivation of Wangari Maathai.  I met a large part of Peris's family including her dad and grandmother.  Her grandmother was the inspiration for the family gathering and was a sweet, kind lady who can still dance like no one's business at 89.

Leo (today), was massively productive for a Sunday.  Not only did I get a lot of boring organizing/cleaning done, but I also was able to spend some real, quality time with my Kenyan sister Wangui and her 2 and 1/2 year old boy (who looks so much like her and has the most heart melting smile).  I feel so comfortable around her.  I can tell her anything and we share the funniest laughs.  The kind that make the people all around you stop what they are doing to stare.

After we shared some chicken and chips (fries) the sky was growing ominously dark and it was becoming that time.  I kissed her and her boy and she secured me the front seat in a matatu going the right direction.  I know I'll see her again but I felt a lump in my throat as we pulled away.

Back at the homestead ; ) Shiro and I played with my crazy Jack.  She provided moral support while I ghetto rigged some sisal rope around two fruit containers that Jack will have to hang out in on the airplane.  I cooked him up a ridiculously generous dinner and meals for the next day and half and later the damn, greedy cat ate about two meals worth of what I cooked since I left it up on the counter to cool.  I have never hated a cat before in my life, but I had literally given this thing about 3 handfuls of raw meat just minutes before.  Arg!!!

I had to say goodbye to Samuel today.  He was leaving to give trainings in South Sudan.  It was a rushed goodbye since his taxi was waiting, but that's probably for the best since I didn't have a chance to start crying.  I know I'll be seeing him again, too, maybe even working for/with him, if the stars align right.

Now I'm listening to the song of the rain and wondering how on Earth I managed to pack 98% of my remaining belongings a full day ahead of when I am leaving.  That is definitely, without a doubt, a first for me.  I'm wondering who I am becoming.  I also notice lately that I'm able to multitask and plan for the upcoming day with a shocking amount of ease and absence of the regular stress.  I think I have Africa to thank for that.  Living here (and Kigali) has really done an impressive number on my long gone tendency to fret about stupid things and worry in advance about nearly everything.  Yes, I definitely still worry sometimes.  It's just that now, I catch myself and shut it off like a hose.

and a Vivaldi Mandolin Concerto has accompanied the rain and my eyelids are nagging me.

I hope with all my heart that the rain wears itself out overnight and we get a few hours in the morning without it.  I had to rescheduled the Mangu trip to plant more beds with Dorcus because we got rained out last time.  We'll see what happens.

Think I need to add "learn to play Mandolin" to my To Do list.

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

My last couple of days at G-BIACK are rapidly approaching.  For awhile I kept alternating between feeling sad and feeling ready and now I just feel both but the sadness is stronger than before.  Everyone at the center seems extra happy to talk to me.  All of our students call hello to me from far away.  A woman in charge of the beadwork classes custom crocheted me a stunningly fun, bright red beret.  The seed bank feels extra somber.  As if it knows I am leaving.  I can't seem to get enough of the smell inside of it.  Like each little seed is emitting its signature into the air.

The little, white puppy I've been caring for since January (Jack's brother, who I named Spencer and we called "Spence" for short) disappeared a couple of days ago.  He's either dead, or somebody secretly sold him for a couple of dollars worth of shillings and I've decided it doesn't matter to me which, because either way I know he must be happier now.

Things are getting insane around here, we have visitors at the center and tomorrow one from the states staying at the house for a couple of days.  Activities with the women's program are really ramping up to 110%.  We have a new house lady.  Karanja's having exams soon.  There are cabinets being put in all of the 4 intern rooms at the house.  The dogs are going nuts because of the rain.  Today it took us about 20 minutes to get out of the driveway since the mud is so deep.  Once we got moving we fishtailed in the minivan all the way to the main road.  It was a really freaky, out of control feeling.  It's nearly impossible to dry laundry since it's almost always raining.  We are likely going to lose most or all of our crops due to water logging.  The latrine is 100% full, filled to the brim which makes staying hydrated a real challenge (the only upside to this is that it doesn't smell bad since it's mostly filled with water from underground, yes I know everyone wanted these details).

We are all going on a mini road trip this Saturday, kids, me, my Mexican brothers, Peris and Samuel.  We'll drive to see Peris's family in Nyeri, the hometown of one of my personal heroes, Wangari Maathai http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/2004/maathai-bio.html.  I am trying to pack for my move accordingly and totally failing.  I figure I can do it all mostly in one day (Sunday) especially since people will be gone for church.

I think my last class will be tomorrow, on crop rotation.  I didn't have time for bee-keeping, pig production or goat production classes.  Pretty disappointing, but nothing I can do about it.  I'm trying really hard not to get hung up on everything that I was planning to do but won't have time for (and i'm basically failing in my efforts at that!) ... I was really, really hoping to help create new jewelry designs for the women's program income, I wanted to continue helping Dorcus with the new tree nursery (Moringa, Tree Tomato, Guava, Papaya), I wanted to find a safe place to transplant my precious melon and okra seedlings that are doing really well (and getting too big for the flats), the sunflower seeds aren't ready to harvest and I'm worried people will forget, I wanted to eat my experiment strawberries (which Dorcus promised she, "wouldn't let anyone tamper with" haha)... I wanted to visit the sisters at Kilimambogo Hospital one more time and meet the HIV patients and see the children at the home next door, I really wanted to visit the Thika River seed bank and the farmer group there that became my #1 fan club, since January I had visions of helping to build the new greenhouse (this one is especially painful to let go of) and so on and so forth. I suppose it's a good lesson in non-attachment, going with the flow and acceptance of things beyond my control.

Peris and I were also realizing all of the activities that we kept saying we wanted to do together and now we really don't have time for.  I researched recipes for homemade bar soap and we talked a million times about making it at home for a potential future income for G-BIACK, she wanted me to teach her how to make salads and salad dressings, I wanted to teach her how to bake muffins.  I can tell we are really going to miss one another as much as we had our small differences here and there.  I think we've each learned a lot from the other, not just skills or practical things, but cultural facts and stories, personal stories and hopes and dreams for our lives.

Today she helped me with many questions about my future income garden and we laughed so much at a few different things.  We both had so many ideas and she had some helpful pointers about techniques and improvising in a new climate.  I am bursting with hope about what I can do for myself and others with the information I've learned and all the inspiration that has built up over the past four months.  Now that I picture my own garden and feel determined to make it a reality, it's as if GROW BIOINTENSIVE has truly come alive in my consciousness.  It has transformed from a really interesting group of concepts to something I want to teach others and practice in my own way, with my own twists and interpretations.

I'm realizing I can compare this internship with my permaculture design course in a way, because both experiences helped me to connect with like-minded, inspirational people, equipped me with information that will last a lifetime (and improve my lifetime!), and left the door open for me to practice what I've learned in a way unique to the conditions I will be facing no matter where I am.  I'm also reminded that until I die, I will always naturally be an eager student.  I will never be done learning.  And I will never run out of things I want to learn.  And that's a really good feeling.

info on commenting

apparently google blogger decided to revamp itself in the past few days.  in the process it fixed some settings -without asking me- about who can comment.  once i discovered this, i changed the setting from "only registered users" to "anyone".  a small leap of faith that strangers around the world won't write and say horrible things, but i feel it's worth it since a couple of you have mentioned having trouble commenting.  sorry for the hassle!

Mangu, thank you. (Rediscovered old post that I was convinced got deleted From April 3rd!!!!)

What a day.

I met my favorite G-BIACK field staff, Dorcas, at a Makongeni gas station first thing in the morning. I had carried the Cera Maji ceramic water filter and she had brought a bag full of seeds. She was wearing the most colorful skirt, a stylish almost 80's jacket and super cute sandals. I on the other hand, was wearing my Oregon T-Shirt, my boring, gray work pants with dirty, black slip on shoes (and carrying my gumboots in a plastic bag).

After a bit of extra walking after we reached town we finally found the right matatu that was going to Mangu. Mangu is a small, lush, charming, sleepy town west of Thika town about 30 minutes. We arrived at New Vision Rescue Center (for Children) and were greeted by Mary. A determined and lighthearted woman who runs the place all by herself, with 22 children. She was carrying Joy, a 1 and a half year old baby girl whose mother died in childbirth during a Cesarean (?) birth. Her mother was a single mother and the family is nowhere to be found.

I was happy to see that since the last time I visited, someone had donated a nice couch and several, nice upholstered chairs. Someone else had donated two bunk beds (without matresses) and another donor brought a wardrobe.

After a quick, obligatory tea and some short discussion, we three headed to the shamba and Dorcas and I began preparing beds. To be honest, I was dreading that part. I figured I would be clumsy with the jembe, get tired fast and have to struggle against the soil like I'm used to doing at G-BIACK. To my absolute delight, I felt strong, the jembe was less awkward than in the past and the soil was like butter. Light, fluffy, red and relatively loose. I can only dream of having a garden with that kind of soil one day. Another nice surprise was that while we worked on separate beds, we were totally alone on the hillside, with the animals hanging out above us and nothing but wide expanses of green and banana trees below us. Needless to say, we had some really fun, great, conversations.

I caught myself feeling really happy and in a rhythm. I was puzzled. What was up with that feeling all of a sudden? Then I realized that it was because I was doing what I love, with someone I really connect with, in a place that is comforting, while feeling useful.

A SEED IS LIFE

Today we had a couple of really informative and inspiring classes.  One was a GROW BIOINTENSIVE overview which I took as a refresher and the other was all about seeds and developing a seed bank.  I'm getting emotional that Samuel is leaving the country for the last few days of my internship.  I was able to ask loads of questions about my future garden and can't wait to get going on it.

In fact, I think I am slightly obsessing about starting my very own garden.  I think about it at least 6 or 8 times a day and feel like I am brimming with ideas of things to try and Samuel has given me a couple of great suggestions too.

Talked to my cousin, sister and Grandmother recently which really makes my heart feel all warm and happy.  I also ate homemade pizza that was a true team effort between myself, Juan and Rodrigo (my fellow interns).  I ate three huge pieces!  These little bits of joy keep me feeling connected to home even though I'm halfway around the world.

Jack was a nightmare today.  I had to take him to the COMPLETELY SUBMERGED IN MUD center to get his last vaccine (so he can fly with me!).  He acted like he was possessed by demons the entire day.  Barking all the time, biting me and behaving like a dog I'd never met.  My only guess is that he was overwhelmed by the loads of people and started feeling super defensive.  I still love the little shit.  This morning I found him curled up in the very corner of his outside space on top of a pile of random junk that is stored out there.  He was wet and it was just dumping rain and I was 100% baffled as to why he won't use the little dog house that we built and I moved in there.  What a weirdo.

Was happy to note that the tree tomato seedlings I had transplanted on Saturday all looked strong and content.  My four melon seedlings are doing great and a few of my Lamu okra babies are looking good too.  Of the four Moringa tree seeds I planted, only one looks good.  Another is trying to come up but is really much smaller.  Sharif's coconuts are still hanging on throughout the torrential rains and the onions and spinach we planted in the USAID research bed on Saturday somehow survived too.

I'm totally avoiding the packing process.  I keep sweeping my room and looking for things to give away (my favorite thing to do with all my stuff when I move).  I really enjoy that process of purging. 

And now for something completely different...

One thing I am learning about being a gardener/grower/mini farmer is that patience is seriously paramount. Especially in planning a garden.  Selecting which things can grow in your climate and will do well in your soil, collecting seeds, processing seeds, bed preparation, time for collecting compost, and time for it to cure (sometimes 3 months!), etc. etc. etc. etc.  Such investments in time and energy have never had as much allure as these challenges do for me.  In this case the reward seems twenty times over worth the effort.  I love picturing my future garden and my friends helping me work in it.  And here I am once again going on and on about my future garden.  Apparently I really am a bit obsessed.  In my defense I think the obsession is healthy and positive.

Tomorrow Dorcus and I are bringing seeds and planting a few beds at the children's home about an hour and 15 minutes from the center.  I can't wait to spend time with one of my favorite people doing one of my favorite things.  I am really going to miss her.  I love the way she always laughs in surprise when I say something slightly outspoken.

Hello to my loyal readers around the world : ).  I'd love to hear from you wherever you are.

the present moment

A few thoughts that have been frequenting my mind lately:

I finally know, after 30 years, what I was born to do in life. So grateful it didn't take longer to discover.

In fact, it feels like the things that people promised would happen in my 30s are, in reality, happening. I am becoming much more comfortable with myself and the world and all of its complexities, I feel grounded but still know how to have fun. I care less about other people's opinions- especially if they are negative. I am better at tuning out things that make me feel unhappy (have a long way to go, but I'm shocking myself with progress in this area. for example carrying a dead, baby rabbit). I know what to expect and what not to expect with my own self. I don't kid myself with unrealistic expectations about what I can do. When I entertain an idea about something, I know almost right away if the idea could really come to life or if I'm just fantasizing.

Don't get me wrong, I think fantasizing is healthy in certain amounts. Still, it's a lovely feeling to just know outright when you're kidding yourself and when you are concocting brave ideas that have true potential no matter how small.

I am learning to embrace the approach to life that encourages me to just know that things will unfold as they were meant to. Once I stop trying to control everything in my life and make the best decisions I can given the circumstances- I am more and more able to really let things go and give them to the future. It is a challenge at times, but whenever I can manage to remember this approach I find that my internal energy is restored 100%.

It's an overused expression, but I really believe that to "follow your bliss" is the biggest favor a person can do for herself. It may not earn you loads of money, it may not make you famous, your friends and family may or may not agree, but at the end of the day, if you know that you pursued the things that make you feel alive, it really might be enough.

Now I'm going to step off of my soapbox in search of a warm shower.

Looking forward to classes on soil tomorrow. I may dream of soil. I hope I do. Such a nerd. A proud nerd, that is.

no particular reason

i am 99% sure that nobody is reading this thing anymore. which is actually quite fair since i've been majorly slacking off in the writing department. i just want to document, if for no other reason than for me to look back on the future and remember... this fantastic Monday in the middle of April.

woke up to a lovely email from a dear girlfriend back in California. had some nice company for breakfast. came to work to be greeted by mass chaos, construction and seriously movement-restricting, ankle deep, clay mud. had an informative class where i was able to ask a lot of questions we talked about beneficial insects and garden design. really great. did one of my favorite meditations of cleaning out the seed bank. observed that the baobob tree cutting i planted was swallowed by clay mud in the rain. no sign of it anywhere, whatsoever.

was able to visit with my hands down favorite Kenyan girlfriend. lots of venting and filling in on happenings of life while we ate lunch in a mini greenhouse away from everyone else. what a wise, genuinely awesome woman.

discovered that the new Mexican intern packed a KEYBOARD (not small either!) all the way from Mexico and taught him to play the upper part of Heart and Soul and we played it together several times until i felt like a kid again and missed my sister so much it hurt.

cooked my own dinner with fresh basil, tomatoes, fresh chard and some pasta, onions, garlic and pepper. mmmm mmm mmmm man i am hungry all over again just thinking about it.

spent some time training Jack and was re-convinced that he will be a really well-trained dog one day. the way he looks at me honestly makes me feel like i am the greatest person in the world and i don't even know why. we make each other so happy just being around one another. until he bites me a little too hard trying to play and then i put him back outside.

became inspired by a few different possibilities for employment. really thinking outside the box and it feels spectacularly refreshing. i think i am going to think outside the box ALL of the time (or as often as i can remember to! ha!).

"Though the problems of the world are increasingly complex, the solutions remain embarrassingly simple" ~ Bill Mollison

Class on soil today. This class confirmed that I still want to learn as much as there is to learn about soil. I don't remember the last time my brain felt so engaged. Really, really exciting.

Harvested lots of chamomile from the seeds I brought with me that we planted in February. With the rains, an entire bed was just in full bloom and it looked like something from a fairytale. I wanted to just lay in it, it smelled heavenly.

Processed seeds with a guy from Spain. What a character. I shared some of my seeds from Lamu with him and he gave me seeds for carob trees.

It has been a somber day around here. It feels gloomy since I am leaving earlier than expected and I think we are all getting sentimental and sad just thinking about it. I know it was just meant to be this way but feel pretty scattered and overwhelmed thinking about finding another place. Somehow, knowing Jack will be with me makes me feel drastically better. Yet at the same time, drastically more stressed out.

Today us interns made our own dinner and ate away from the annoying blast of the constant TV noise. It was so intimate and yummy. Brown rice, amaranth and a tomato, onion, cabbage salad. Afterward, I decided to share my incredible chocolate that came in the mail from my parents and we nearly polished off the whole thing!

Heading to the coast tomorrow night for the holiday and to look for places to live. Meeting a good friend from Lamu there. Hoping that during the trip I can balance productivity with getting some strong healing energy from Mother Ocean. It is as if she is pulling me to her, always and especially when

I'm now being serenaded by Juan's marimba (?) from the room next door. He's an intern from Mexico and I've really enjoyed getting to know him. We are both super curious and detail oriented during the trainings and his ambitious but calm attitude is an inspiration.

THE RAINS ARE HERE!!!

I just finished typing an entry that I had mostly written last night about my great day yesterday working at a children's home (I had spent about an hour on it). It somehow got deleted : (

It's pouring down right now (!) and Jack is inside trying to eat everything I own and I need to shower, eat and pack up for the day. I will try to recreate my post later.