Rainy weather and Johnny Cash

I realize (like all of the blogs that originally turned me off to blogging) that this blog has become less about Kenya and more about me.  Damn it to hell.  I didn't want that to happen.  Of course everything I write about Kenya will be through my filters, but I at least want to throw in some observations I've had lately about my surroundings here.

It is now easy to determine whether someone is from here or visiting based on their walking speed.  8 fresh eggs cost 96 shillings. It takes approximately 5 months to train yourself to look the right way for oncoming traffic in a previously British-colonized country.  If someone seems too good to be true, they are almost surely scamming you.  If you want to make a whole matatu erupt into laughter just correct the conductor when he shortchanges you and tell him "you! you want a soda?" in Swahili.  Eating street food is almost worth the intestinal aftermath.  Thank goodness for the Neem Tree and all of its marvels.

If you ever want to reminisce about the days of Tony Braxton, Boyz II Men, or any of those other 90s gems you might get lucky if you hop on the right matatu.  If you are extra lucky, on the inside there will be fun quotes like: "If you compare yourself to others, you'll never be yourself" and "dancing is one thing, movement is another".

Today was a National Day of Prayer in Kenya.  I still have several hours left if I want to join in I suppose.  I read in a newspaper last week that Mombasa could be underwater in just 50 years due to climate change.  Really drives the issue home.  In other news, Charles Taylor, former dictator of Liberia was sentenced to 50 years in prison.  I can't believe how many years it took to get that result.  Sometimes justice is slower than molasses.

I've fully embraced the bucket bath system and actually look forward to it now.  I can tell if there will be mosquitoes at night according to what temperature it was during the day.  I now know that if I want to boil water or cook something I need to turn the stove on 10 minutes prior.

While walking home yesterday I saw a tiny, baby porcupine dead on the side of the road.  I felt like there was some sort of message in that for me and I am still trying to figure out what it was.  I wanted to stoop down and examine it but wasn't in the mood for drawing more attention than the normal, excess amount.

When the universe laughs at you, don't fret, since you can laugh right back at it.

ENTROPY: "The tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity."

Alright, well I'm not really going for uniformity in my life per say, but I am convinced that this word somehow still applies to what has begun happening to me lately.

Things with Jack have been resolved for the time being (!!!).  He is staying at an aunty's house not far from where I live, she is a good friend and she and her kids are really looking out for him.  We have both discussed how it doesn't have to be permanent so I feel relieved knowing that when I find my new place and have a shamba, I can bring him if I choose to.  Yipeeeeee!  I feel so grateful for that issue calming down.  Since she took him, I have been really able to devote my brainpower to being proactive about MY life (instead of his and my neighbors' lives and everyone else's life but my own).

After spending so much time on the internet yesterday that my eyeballs went cross-eyed, I learned that all of the standard jobs in Kenya exist in Nairobi- I had another stroke of luck (or three).  I met with a friend who happens to be incredibly well connected here in Mombasa.  She was curious about my situation and I shared everything about my current status, my hopes, my interests etc. and right in the middle of dinner she called a friend who is from the place I'm thinking of relocating to and we have already met with him today!

Turns out he is also insanely well connected and 100% interested in helping me figure things out.  While I was waiting for this guy and Aminah this morning, I accidentally starting talking to a different guy who was at table thinking that he was the person I was meeting.  Now, this guy ended up being super kind and we know a few mutual friends.  Of all things, he works with a guy who owns a huge shamba up the coast but is often out of the country and may need someone to take care of it.  When Aminah and the contact showed up, they all knew each other!  Ha.  I love this town so much.

So I have no way of knowing if any of these prospects will really materialize.  I've lived in African countries long enough to know not to get my hopes way up at this point, but my hopes are telling me to quit being so rational and get a little excited anyway.  Jinxing be damned!

On another more somber note- even when things are going fabulous and I couldn't be happier to be here, I think of my family constantly and how much I miss them.  We are all busy and don't connect much aside from my parents.  My grandmother (whom I am really really close with) is in the hospital.  My sister is happily attached at the hip with a guy I don't really know well yet (I'm thrilled for them both), I haven't talked to my cousins whom I am also close with and miss so much it hurts- in ages.  Sometimes I get these annoying pangs of guilt for choosing to be so far away.  To be fair, people always say "home is where the heart is".  Even though I miss my family back in the U.S. and I'm missing many events and hugs, I can't deny that at this time, my heart is fully here.  Let's just hope the immigration office in Nairobi can understand that too, without expecting me to fork over loads of money.

What's up with THAT?!?! Dear brain of mine...

A friend helped me buy some fish yesterday at my favorite market.  He had to leave before we had time to cook it and I was 100% freaked.

As long as I can remember, I have always had issues with approaching, handling, and fixing meat of any kind.  I really want to get at the root of why this is, but every time I see dead fish or raw meat, I instantly feel a little like vomiting and running away.  I always feel proud and so victorious when I occasionally cut up raw meat for Jack.  I feel like it's such a labor of love and the entire time I am reassured by the fact that I won't have to put it in my mouth.  And I wash my hands about 4 times afterward.

Being in a place where many people would really love to eat meat if they could afford it, while being able to afford it but rarely want it, has been a slightly weird phenomenon.  I feel all kinds of guilt and even make myself try to eat meat (mostly for protein purposes since beans, yogurt, peanut butter, protein drinks and pasta reeeeeally lose their charm after eating them consecutively for long periods).

I do love animals, but I feel like this phobia goes deeper than that.  Or maybe it's simpler and I'm over-thinking it, which really might be the case.  I was told today by my friend after I begged him to at least clean the fish, that I'm scared of "everything like a baby" (he also knows I'm scared of raw chicken).  I naturally got pissed and pointed out that I came to another continent on my own- but in a way I kind of see how he thinks it's childish of me.  Ah well.

Anyone have any easy and delicious recipes for fresh tuna?  I just can't stop thinking about the eyeballs I will see when I take them out of the fridge.  Poor little fishes.

Among other things I don't understand about my brain (and this list most likely has no end):

Why I feel I have to always put on my right shoe/sandal before my left every single time ever since my soccer coach told me EONs ago that it's good luck.  I've had some bad days after putting my shoes on in that order.

How it somehow always seems more important to feed my dog than myself.

Why I like UNpacking but despise packing.

How I feel more at home in water than in air.

Why my voice gets 3 octaves higher when I talk to my dog.  Even though I know it's crazy of me.

In Mombasa, "Right next to the mosque"=

THE WORST DIRECTIONS ANYONE COULD EVER GIVE ME WHEN I AM LOOKING FOR A PLACE IN TOWN.

There are mosques on every corner here.  I'm really not exaggerating.  For the second time since I've lived here someone today told me, "right next to the mosque".  Next time I hear that I just know I won't be able to help laughing. 

I've been spending a lot (I mean a lot, probably too much) time thinking about how I am living in a Muslim society now.  Every day I am submersed in Muslim culture in small and not so small ways.  That's something I accepted before moving here but now that it's part of my life I must say I am finding myself kind of aggravated by it.  I don't know if it's an aggravation that's good for me, to force me to become more adaptable even than I thought I was before- or an aggravation that is resulting in me feeling loads of spite toward people who live in very specific ways that differ from how I live.

Every morning I've been waking up at 4 a.m. because of the call to prayer.  It comes on over a loudspeaker and it's always a male voice sort of sing-chanting something in Arabic.  What it is saying I don't know.  It sounds really soothing and welcoming.  At first, in the mornings I would only half wake up from it and then fall back asleep, but for some reason lately I have been waking up fully and thinking about how I should handle living in a Muslim place.

Small observations...  When I walk Jack there are always two specific reactions from people who pass me walking the other direction.  One reaction is the laid back Mombasa friendliness and a smile with major amusement, the other is a look of panic that Jack is A: there B: close enough that his tail or some part of his body might actually touch them, which from the look on there face would be basically a really, really, really bad thing.  I can't get over the contrast in these reactions.  I think maybe I am not as open-minded and accepting as I have been giving myself credit for for years.  In my head I think really nasty thoughts toward the people who have the second reaction.  I surprise myself by how defensive I instantly feel.  "I live here too! It's my right to own whatever animal I choose!  I'm wise enough to not let my filthy animal touch you!"  Then I feel ashamed for feeling that way.  I am in their home.

I've been asking the few friends I have here about trying to understand Muslim beliefs and maybe I am just not asking the right people.  When I ask about certain customs, the answer is often "because it's not clean" whether this refers to dogs, the human body, a woman's period etc. etc. etc.  I understand that they believe that, but I don't understand why. One friend said she would loan me some books to help me understand and she did.  But they are written for a child audience (maybe good for me huh?) and seem to only give directions for how to practice customs instead of explaining the meaning or origin of them.  So frustrating.

I also find it really a pain to get dressed here.  First of all it is so humid and warm that I can shower and literally 5 minutes later I have a slimy film of sweat covering my face and neck (TMI? sorry!).  Then I proceed to put on clothes that cover my shoulders and knees.  Obviously NOT practical for this weather but I'm the last person who wants to be looked at as indecent or disrespectful so, I sweat about 5 times more than I need to in order to not offend a lot of people I don't know.  Is it just me, or is that kind of weird?

At 30 am I really becoming so begrudging toward things outside my own personal mindset?  What will I be like as an old lady (if I make it there)?  Wooow.  Scary to think about.

I'm also struggling about whether I can keep Jack or not.  Half the time I'm convinced I need to be with him until he becomes old and dies and the other half of the time he feels like a luxury I can't afford right now in so many ways.

BLAH.  I need some inspiration and positive influence in my life right now.  I've even been practicing yoga most every morning for the first time in months and that doesn't seem to be doing the trick.  Maybe this is a sign that I won't be able to live here for much longer.  Or, ask me again in 2 days and I'll probably tell you something different.

Philosophizing...everything

During this search for work in a new place I keep finding myself coming back to a really frustrating chicken vs. egg question:  Does it make more sense for a person to live in a place where they feel 100% at home yet they must bend over backward to find work of any kind-

OR

Does it make more sense for a person to make sure they are doing what they love to do most every day and just deal with living in a random place that they don't feel connected to or especially at home in?  I'm sure everyone has a different answer.  I am torn about it personally because both really make sense.

Maybe it all boils down to how much a given person is affected by living in a certain environment.  Although I like to claim I am really adaptable, there are certain places where I just know I wouldn't be happy living.  I'm still wondering if I could get past that if I were doing what I loved.

I also find I do a million times better at life in general when I have a schedule throughout the week.  At least Mon-Fri.  So I am thinking (pretty radical) of making one so I don't feel so "head on backwards" all the time.  In addition to concrete ways of searching for jobs, there are things I keep saying I will do since I arrived in January.  Some for fun, some to take care of myself, some for both, some to broaden my horizons, and so on and so forth.

I really admire SO much people who are great planners and time managers.  Of course my Dad is a great example of a fantastic time manager.  He makes it all look so easy.  One of my friends from school always amazes me at how much she can get done and still enjoy herself and take time to do things for herself.  I read somewhere (I think in some Globalization, Development bloddy bloddy blah book from grad school) that there are PLANNERS and DOERS.  I think it was William Easterly maybe in White Man's Burden.

I am a DOER.  I fully understand the importance of planning and prefer to have a plan about most things, but I can't express what an aversion to planning I have.  Where does it come from?  Beats me...  Maybe I want to trust the universe (cop out) or maybe I am just afraid my plan will explode in my face and create more problems than I'd have without a plan.  Which is a stupid, stupid reason to avoid it.

If anyone is still hanging on and bearing with me at this point and hasn't gone to Facebook or to play with their pet or fallen asleep at the computer screen, or left to go eat something,

PLEASE tell me what you think about this little debate about living environment vs. doing what has meaning for you.  I could really use some perspective here.

Party at my place (in more ways than one)!

Happy to report, I officially feel like I live here.  I'm getting more familiar with town, I've got a kitchen counter full of vegetables from one of my favorite markets (all for less than 5 dollars), I spent the day with my Mombasa family (the brothers and sister of a good friend from Lamu).  Even Jack seems to be settling and trusting that we are in a good place.  Sometimes Saturdays can really redeem the rest of the week.

I walked Jack down the street maybe 20 minutes to a local shop and on my way back I made friends with a few people working at a small stand outside.  I bought bananas and fresh eggs and they were really amused that I could converse a little in Swahili.  The man heard me say I was from the U.S. and asked me if I know Jose Altidore from the U.S. National Soccer team.  He also knew Clint Dempsey.  I casually told him I'd met Clint (honest truth).  They were such nice people and I know they gave me African prices which really makes me feel respected.

Later after having some juice, my Kenyan brothers and I went to find lunch at a local place where all of our orders were taken wrong.  It was nice anyway and we exchanged funny stories about the friend that brought us together and they told me bits of trivia about Mombasa.  Then we picked up their sister, showed her my place so she could come visit in the future and then hung out with their children for a few minutes before visiting their mom and aunt.  Talk about the whirlwind family tour.  I enjoyed every minute.  It is such a good feeling to have people looking out for you, people to laugh with, people who listen to you even when it may be hard for them.  I feel so blessed.

Tonight I also got a surprise phone call from my little Kenyan sister back in Thika.  She's only 11 and called on her own phone to say "hi".  It was the sweetest thing.  I think somehow the universe is showering me with love after my having survived the whole Jack/neighbor/threat/sleepless night full of stress/debacle.

Now I just need to get myself in gear for the interview that is supposed to happen early next week but I don't know if it will- and I don't really know whether it's an interview or not.  Shouldn't be too hard to prepare for then I suppose.  Ha!

Oh and the title for this is because it's 12:40a.m. and in the compound next door there is a full blown rager of a party with massive speakers and microphones, DJ etc.  It is so loud that when I came home to let Jack out of the balcony, he RAN out with his ears flat against his head and his tail tucked under his legs.  Poor little guy stuck out there with all that bass for hours.  I'm sure my monster of a neighbor is enjoying the noise even more than me!

Kesho: Shamba visit in Mshomoroni!!!  Think I'll bring some seeds and small tools just in case things work out there.  I feel like it's Christmas Eve.

Blogoholic???

When a blog starts to feel  a little "dear Diary" is that a bad thing?

I've caught myself explaining and writing about things that are in the same exact vein as the things I read in blogs I really disliked before I was a blogging person.  I ate this today, my living situation isn't ideal because of X,Y and Z.  BO-RING.

So let me tell you about the fantastic day I had even though I didn't sleep last night.  I had an outpouring of support from people around the compound after they all heard about my neighbor harassing me about Jack.  Which really bolstered my realization that I have a right to own a dog since I'm paying the same money he is and I got the landlord's permission.  I'm now trying out training techniques (like I put the kitchen keys...why i have keys for my kitchen door is beyond me... in an empty plastic water bottle and shake it at him and say QUIET when he barks).

He's been better today since we went on an adventure together.  It struck me how we both could really use a good walk so I explored the neighborhood and found the most fantastic route with paths that led us to a loooooooong beach in only about 15 minutes.  There were camels on the beach.  It was not crowded even though it's a Friday and I really felt like I was able to reconnect with my inner peace that I knew was buried under all the silly stress I've been facing lately.

It was his first time seeing the ocean.  And camels.  Not sure if he even saw the camels, really.  He was deathly afraid of the water slipping up the beach and I started dying laughing at him and let him stay out of it.

I found a couple of small houseplants that will have to serve as my temporary garden until I get the real thing up and running.  It feels even more like home now with the plants smiling at me from the living room.

Thinking of planting my pili pili (cayenne pepper) seeds in old water bottles tomorrow since I remembered today that they take ages to germinate.  I also want to plant some seeds that fell out of this natural sponge I got for using in the shower.  No idea what the tree looks like.  I'm also fermenting Neem tree seeds and melon seeds on my kitchen counter.  Can we say, "seed nerd"?

This weekend I think I'm going to the 3rd (!) shamba that belongs to the people I'm renting my apartment from.  I've been told that I can plant there and it's only supposedly 5 or 10 minutes away by car.  I am nervous that it will be awful or there won't be enough space for my 36 beds that I want to plant (am i delusional?).  I guess I can just start small and maybe my income garden will come later.

Hoping to see a couple of friends tomorrow in town.  Or at my place.  Which should be fun.  I am ridiculously looking forward to it.  I also spoke with a new friend who's a dear friend of someone I know from Kigali and she and I are planning to meet up in the next week sometime (I first met here when I was here looking for places to live).  If I'm not careful I'm going to have something like a social life here!

Early next week I am theoretically meeting with a man to talk about doing community work.  Not sure if it could turn into a job, but he sounds like a really down to earth, productive, passionate person after the couple of phone calls we've had.  It's also really generous of him to offer to travel across the country to meet with me.  Trying not to get my hopes up.  They're up anyway.

"One Love.  One heart.  Let's get together and feeeeeeeel al-right."

doozy of a day

Whew.  Where to begin?

Had a tremendously thought-provoking trip to Kikambala today.  My landlord's son invited me to the family shamba after I explained my love of growing things the other day.  It's a bit north of Mtwapa and there are actually two shambas.  One is 25 acres and the other is 6.  Not much is growing there for it to be called a "shamba", but I completely fell in love with the 6 acre plot since it was on a slight, rolling slope above many coconut trees, included a cashew tree, many OLD, giant mango trees and other fruit trees with fruits I couldn't even identify.  What a lovely area of Kenya.  The village/place that we were in is called Junju and there were many local houses constructed with the brilliant design of earth and branches.  I don't know why, but ever since I first saw them near Goma, Congo I have always really been drawn to these houses and secretly want one of my own.  I imagine they are nice and cool inside on hot days and at night I would fall asleep with the smell of earth around me.

I was offered a generous lunch (which I was definitely not expecting) of strong, black tea, chicken stew, bread and freshly roasted local maize with an out of this world dessert of freshly harvested and roasted cashew nuts.  Let me just say I think I've automatically become a cashew nut snob and will have a really tough time eating store bought cashews in the future.  There was also a dog hanging out around us that looked like an adult, female version of Jack.  Exactly.  It was so bizarre.

Speaking of the devil dog, for those interested, which is frankly probably nobody- he put several gray hairs on my head today.  After being bitter toward me for leaving him for most of the day, I took him out to play on the grass for probably a half hour the very second I got home.  Anyway, long story short within the span of a few short hours, my next door neighbor had angrily stormed over to threaten me in his night robe (yet again not even telling me his name or giving me the split second needed to open my mouth to apologize), I had an interview of sorts on my rooftop while Jack bit me and the wind blew and I threw my sandals repeatedly to try to distract him from biting me, he tried to eat a bag of my freshly roasted cashews, he drank from two of my water glasses, climbed inside my closet when I was reaching for clothes (I honestly considered locking him up in there out of spite), and he purposely overturned his water bowl when it was full.  I'm pretty sure I know who gets the short end of the stick in this relationship.

Now I'm having trouble sleeping because I'm a bit traumatized by my neighbor's awful behavior and I had caffeine twice today which was probably a bad idea given my ridiculously sensitive to everything nervous system.

My fan in the bedroom only has two settings: so slow that it barely is moving air at all, and jet engine- blow the eyebrows off your face strong.  I keep alternating between the two knowing I'll just wake up in my own sweat either way.

And now I'm hungry and will have to sneak into the kitchen and hope with all my heart that the dog, now locked in the little laundry area on the opposite side of the apartment will not hear or smell me and start fussing.  Wish me luck.

Just another manic Monday

Didn't sleep last night except for an hour here and there.  Had no water in my apartment for a few hours, failed at trying to get fencing for Jack so he doesn't have to be caged up on the balcony again.

The plans I thought I had for the day have fallen through,  the cupboards are bare, I'm out of drinking water it's hotter than hell outside (I've drunk 15 litres of water in 5 days) and I'm beginning to feel a little bit of "what on EARTH do I think I am DOING here?!?".  To be fair, I've felt that way at least once during other phases of life (which turned out fine in the end) but at this point, the feelings has become so frighteningly familiar that I really get annoyed when it crops up.

Although I certainly feel like it, I am not a shipwrecked sailor.  I am an over-educated, over-trained, over-inspired young person bursting with ideas and passion to share with the world and I just need a chance to let them all fly out and get the job done.  The kind of job that actually brings money.  But I think I need to make my own chances.  That's the sticky part.  Maybe I should take a class on how to do that.

Just kidding.

photo melange

 Kibele, me, Uwe and Wangui monkeying around in a Cashew tree in Shela, Lamu

 Some of my friends at G-BIACK. 

 Just cooking up some lunch. Mokimo (potatoes, beans, corn).  In Nyeri.

 Not bad for my last day.  I've always loved mud.

 Karma karma karma karma karma...

 I got a little too close and he had to threaten me with his suddenly MASSIVE size haha!

Moses and I in the cashew tree, not sure why this pic got out of order.

An auspicious day

May 1st marked the start of a new chapter of life for me.  My internship is finished, I left Thika, Jack survived the plane ride and I am taking a bit of time to breathe and get settled in my new place.  Actually to be honest, more getting settled than breathing.  Everyone is really welcoming and I just got official permission to keep Jack outside as long as I buy the fencing, so that was fantastic news.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I want to create my own career.  I know it's radical, people will think it's risky and blah blah blah.  I'm going to try anyway.  If it doesn't work out I'll jump back inside the conformity box and look for a temporary, "standard" job until I can fund my dreams.  I want to design a garden for income.  I already know how many beds I will need, which things should sell here, I have the muscle power (experienced friends back in Thika), and the Almighty Universe KNOWS I have the inspiration.  So basically I need land, water and time.  That's what it boils down to.  Well and manure/compost too. 

Yesterday I dug up a tiny bit of soil from the outside of my compound, poured it into a small water bottle I had cut the top off of, and stuffed about three uprooted bunching onions (from G-BIACK) inside.  I was going to have a "plant" in my place no matter how yellow, brown, sad, smelly it was.  Ha!  Then after one little touch of soil, that was it.  I was rushing to the balcony to grab the plastic pot the previous tenants left with a dead plant in it, I was soaking the soil, turning it with my supermarket trowel from Brazil (that was supposed to be about 8 dollars with the other trowel and hand fork it came with but I was accidentally only charged about one dollar! yipeee!), and I was putting the rest of the 20 or so bunches of onions in the pot.  Naturally I had Vivaldi playing in the background and I was working in the dark since the outside laundry room light wasn't working.  I felt a bit silly but I had a feeling in my heart that told me, "YES, this is what you are meant to do!  You need to be doing it every day as much as possible!"  Has anyone ever experienced being in the middle of  an activity and you just become overwhelmed with a sensation that your soul has found its true home?  That's what it felt like for me in the dark, with smelly, half dead bunching onions and classical music playing from the other room.

At any rate, two other noteworthy experiences from yesterday:  I saw my first Chameleon (!!!!) and then later when trying to photograph an amazing lizard that had a bright orange head and blue body, I was shocked to see two monkeys climbing around on the trees and wall outside my kitchen window.  Of course after my initial delight I began to wonder how Jack would get along with monkeys or if they would eat him alive (or knowing him, maybe he'd eat them).  I'm having such a love hate relationship with this dog.  He makes me so stressed and annoyed sometimes and at other times he'll just look at me quizzically while wagging his tail slowly and I'll feel like I've never had a better, more loyal friend in life.

Today I'm on a mission to get a P.O. Box, get internet and meet a friend for juice or chips or something.  Then I need to force myself to finish up the last bit of unpacking and figure out how to make dinner out of the few things that are in my kitchen so far. 

Chameleon pictures coming soon!