What do you DO all day, sit around and watch TV???

I was asked this question by a friend as we had juice and Swahili pizza in town one evening a couple of weeks ago. It invoked all kinds of rage within me because #1 I HATE sitting around! and #2 my TV is so lousy that I used to get 5 channels and now I only get 3, and of those, only one actually has color/an actual picture.  Let me note that 99.9% of those channels are in Swahili so my attention span lasts about 20 seconds.  I think I turn it on about once every 2 or 3 weeks and if the hilarious Kung Fu show where people fly around and women fight off ten guys with weapons (with zero blood) and birds pick up children in their mouths and fly away isn't on, then I will turn it off.

I'm always so ashamed when people ask me what I am doing here.  I always say "looking for work", and it is true.  I spend hours and hours searching the internet and sifting through newspapers and telling friends to keep an ear out for me.  But if I am brutally honest (which is scary to do so publicly), it is taking too long to find a job in Kenya.  I am beginning to see that as a signal that I need to change something about my plans.  I haven't yet put my finger on exactly what that will look like, but I am becoming increasingly more open to working outside of Kenya- or even outside of Africa.

At any rate I do need to keep evaluating how I spend my time.  It can be uncomfortable and awkward living without a routine that has been imposed on you by a school or employer etc.  Usually in those situations people complain about not having free time, etc. etc.  I, on the other hand really strive with structure and I need to trust myself more to create more structure in my life.  In addition to creating structure, I need to learn not to be swayed when some unplanned thing comes up (like rescuing a kitten, which then gets sick and I have to clean up after it constantly, or a lunch or dinner invitation by friends which I know will inevitably turn into a multiple hour marathon visit).

I find that do I make all kinds of attempts to create structure in my days.  I will have plans and usually follow them somewhat closely, but what gets me off track is when I'm invited by others to do something.  It's not that I feel eager to abandon my plans, I actually get a little annoyed that I won't be sticking to them, but the reason- if I am brutally honest again- is GUILT.  How CAN I say "no" to an invitation when all of my friends know that I don't have work?  In the US it would be easy for them to understand, but here, it somehow comes across as insulting.  Apparently I can be a big pushover.  I am such a people pleaser (AND animal pleaser, yikes, a double whammy!) that I make sacrifices to keep others happy.  Sometimes I think that is okay, but I know in my case, I need to monitor that so I can keep myself in check.

During this time of transition I am gravitating toward all kinds of phrases and sayings and inspirational quotes and theories.  It is lovely to internalize these but how far will they get me, really?  For example: 
"You won't find what you want unless you KNOW what you want" (really like that one) 
and more recently, "instead of following your passion, cultivate it".
and this one haunts me but seems the least helpful: "if you don't know where you're going..." ah we all know that one.  

So according to conventional wisdom, in a nutshell we should all: 
#1 KNOW WHAT WE WANT
#2 PICK A ROAD
and #3 CULTIVATE OUR PASSION

Or can each of these only be followed separately?  Or in a different order than the one I put them in?  You see, that is the problem with conventional wisdom.  As intelligent as it sounds, it can often just confuse more than assist.  So should we toss it aside?  I doubt it.  Maybe it is just better if we look for our own answers while occasionally remembering the useful bits.

It is also a gray area if you think of these things in terms of "control".  One school of thought is that, nothing will happen for you unless you go out and make it happen and take you life in your hands.  Another school of thought will insist that everything is out of our control and the Universe, or a chosen God will decide it all regardless of what plans we may make for ourselves.  What if we don't buy into either one?  That is sort of where I am finding myself, although I have always been more in line with the former.  

To lighten things up a bit, here are some professions that I downright KNOW I would be incredible at:
Professional "thinker"
Animal rescuer
School garden and nutrition instructor (I wish more of these positions existed)
Seed specialist
Organic baker
Free lance botanical sketch artist
Free lance, international journalist (in a world where there wasn't already 200 free lance journalists for every story)

Yes, there is not a particularly "hot" market for those jobs at this time- as far as I'm aware.  Certainly nothing lucrative.  Still, I am convinced that knowing these will be helpful to me somehow at some point in my life.

What are YOUR thoughts on conventional wisdom??

Black Holes and Expectaaaaaations

It's been ages.  I am annoyed with myself about that.  I have wanted to write at least 10 times since my last entry, but couldn't convince myself that I had anything worth sharing.

These days, my Swahili is getting a bit better including my Swahili listening skills.  Cannot explain how happy I am about this.  Every now and then, I will find myself thinking in Swahili.  I am really embracing Swahili dishes too, and feel determined to perfect the coconut bread.  It is pretty frustrating that I don't have any great kitchen utensils or nice pans/pots.  Maybe it is a blessing though, since I know that if my kitchen were decked out, I'd spend too much time trying new recipes instead of job hunting.

I was rejected for the first job I applied for.  It was with One Acre Fund in Western Kenya.  They openly promote the use of inorganic fertilizers to lots and lots of farmers.  So, it really wasn't a great fit for either side.  Probably a blessing.  Applied to two other positions, one in Uganda and one in the U.S..  Been close to two weeks and I am still awaiting responses.  Applying for jobs feels like revealing your soul to strangers and then sending documents with loads of information about yourself straight into a giant black hole.  Hopefully that feels less bizarre with time.

Last week, I traveled to Nairobi and Thika to meet with the Outreach and Networking manager for Sustainable Agriculture Community Development Programmes (SACDEP) http://sacdepkenya.org/ (the website is less phenomenal than the work they are doing).  I had briefly talked to the Executive Director on the phone and he directed me to this colleague of his.  I was mainly looking for information about their program with the coastal youth and how I might involve myself- but it turns out that it's a "fruit, nut, and livestock" program that is pretty streamlined and confined and it's unlikely I would find a way to get on board.  A group of kids on the coast buys these items from farmers in Kilifi and Malindi and then goes to the higher end hotels and sells them at a profit.  Pretty solid idea, really.

The meeting went really well overall.  Started off a little shaky, I was nervous and she seemed a bit skeptical of me, which is totally fair.  Almost as I was about to leave, she casually mentioned that I could submit ideas for new programs and they would be considered.  I've also been instructed to send my CV, what my expectations are for my involvement with SACDEP, what I'd like to be exposed to and what I'd like to achieve.  Quite a lot to think about and I wish I could just send it all in today!!!  The good thing is that doing this exercise will likely help point me in a clearer direction regardless of which organization I end up working for.  True, they are broad, overwhelming questions, but it's probably good for me to uncomfortably squirm and sit with them for a few days.

I confirmed the fact that I do not miss living in the Central Province.  Nairobi was cold and too city-ish for this country mouse and Thika was still dull and almost unbearably dusty.  It was heartwarming to see a couple of good friends and the staff from G-BIACK.  Jack's mom, Simba, has another litter of puppies and they look so malnourished that it breaks my heart.  There was a little black one with brown eyebrows, a white chest and brown legs.  It was like a little skeletal version of Jack back in the day.

The center has changed massively.  I am really happy for the directors (even though my relationship with them has really changed since I've left).  There are new buildings, a new greenhouse, the crops are thriving, a new and bigger seed bank (!), foot bridges across the trench, new rabbit house and some new staff.  A few of the students remembered me and were thrilled.  It really tickled me that they got so excited to see me.  Wish I could have seen the kids at the house where I used to live, so I could hand deliver their coconuts that I trekked across the country by bus.  The seed bulking garden is also more utilized these days which made me happy to see!!

I was beyond ecstatic to learn that not everything that I planted at G-BIACK died in the floods.  The chamomile, peppermint, fennel and one gorgeous pink hibiscus were still going strong, in addition to the basil.  My two strawberry plants were twice as big as when I left them and I was informed that some truly delicious strawberries had been enjoyed the day before.  Happy someone could enjoy them!

Pictures of the center to come soon.

In other news, I stupidly adopted a kitten from the main part of Mombasa town.  It has me wrapped around it's little paw and I literally have to justification for keeping it other than it helps me de-stress to play with it and care for it.  

Here's hoping it won't be another blue moon until I write again.  If anyone is, still in fact reading this thing. Ha!